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Reaching a hand out from inside the barricade was not one of the usual suspects – an actor or director I had worked with in television — but FBI Assistant Director in Charge Steven Martinez, the top boss of the Los Angeles Field Office. He was there to help coordinate FBI support for the Beverly Hills police department in managing the event. The Bureau provided HAZMET, he told me, along with bomb techs, their new bomb sniffing dog, Salem, an investigative team, electronic technicians, and a Mobile Command Post manned with crisis management specialists. It was a joint effort that included hotel security and the private security company hired by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.
“It’s a lot of moving parts,” he said. “Our job is to put eyes and ears out there, gather intelligence, and be able to respond.”
We’d had a small taste of that. Driving up, you had to open your trunk and hood while your car was swept for bombs. I had met Mr. Martinez at the FBI Citizen’s Academy, a ten-week course completed last year. He was no less open and genuine on the red carpet than he had been during class. Urging us to enjoy ourselves, he shook hands firmly, with a personal sincerity totally opposite to the Hollywood charade, and I was reminded why I love writing about the FBI.
As we hustled toward the hotel, actress Olivia Wilde drifted past in a dark, sparkling Marchesa dress with a sweeping five-foot diameter. With straight brown hair and anime features, she looked unworldly; such cold perfection had to be computer-generated.
“This is such a fantasy,” observed my husband, Douglas Brayfield, a psychotherapist.
“Of course it’s a fantasy,” I said. “It’s the manufacture and sale of fantasy,” and in fact, once you were inside the Beverly Hilton, the outside carnival became an indoor trade convention — the same airless hall and hot lights as a car show, lined with booths where media outlets were grabbing interviews. The size-zero actresses, in heavy makeup and trailing gowns they could barely manage, were each accompanied by an anxious member of the Hollywood Foreign Press, some of whom hooked arms to support them on high heels as they compliantly worked the interviews. Only Edie Falco, in no-nonsense red Valentino, was characteristically on her own, locked onto the mission like a New Yorker in Bloomingdale’s. The heavy hitter actors, like Al Pacino and Johnny Depp, would not arrive until airtime.
By then small bottles of Moet with gold spouts were appearing. I felt like an ass drinking from a party favor, and beastly hot in the vintage Jill Sander cocktail suit I’d pulled in a last minute frenzy. I would have done anything for one of the ubiquitous black sleeveless dresses; even fantasized about my daughter’s backless prom gown. Believe me, there were a lot of old prom gowns among the lower echelons.
I’d already chugged the Champagne before I recognized an actress with dark hair and uneven lips waiting to be interviewed by Espeak.
“Is that Barbara Hershey?”
Douglas assured me that it was. He’d scored big by sighting Jack Kervorkian, Rupert Murdoch, Temple Grandin and Sir Howard Stringer, so I forged ahead with confidence. I had worked with Barbara Hershey on Chicago Hope. Ogling for a photo op, I tapped her arm.
“Barbara?”
It wasn’t Barbara. It was nobody I ever heard of, but she was gracious.
“I thought it was Barbara Hershey, too,” said a famous director, striding by. “That will be her night,” he added ruefully of the actress, meaning hours of mistaken identity in a place where it’s all about your name.
Because we had missed our salads, we were punished with a sad plate of shrunken filet mignon, slippery sea bass and dead bok choy. Our table was stage left on the upper tier, with a bunch of extremely unexciting members of the foreign press. Luckily the magnum of Moet was within reach, because hell if those people were going to pass the wine or acknowledge our introductions beyond a grim nod.
Everybody else was having fun. Despite entreaties from the announcer, the audience refused to take its seats. There was more rebellious wandering and wanton kissing than a fifth grade make out party. Even during the live broadcast, folks stood around schmoosing and preening. I noticed Paul Giamatti walking down the stair – not just walking, but peering with intense delight at his cell phone, and pausing for a long comic beat with one foot in the air – very aware that somebody, if not everybody, was watching.
As for Ricky Gervais, the feeling in the room was not as outraged as the newspapers made it appear. I found his jokes worse than tacky – they were lazy. And old. Bribes? We were there, at the Globes, when Pia Zadora won despite allegations that her husband paid for it. That was 1980, folks. Robert Downey, Jr. in rehab? So 2001. There were moans and shocked laughter, but who cared? The show was just the dues you had to pay in order to get to the after-parties. On the way out, I shook hands with Bruce Willis, just because he was standing there.
The HBO party was downstairs at the pool. It took three security checks to get in. Here my reporting gets a little blurred as we’d been drinking Champagne for six hours. I believe there were torches of fire in the water and the walls were draped in some kind of Mylar. But I do remember this was the scene of the biggest coup of the night: a conversation in the ladies room with January Jones, whom we had idolized for four breathless seasons on Mad Men. She was wearing a fire red Versace dress with undertones of sadomasochism.
“You’re January Jones,” I said.
“Yes?”
“And my name is April Smith.”
“Oh,” she said with a small laugh. Very small. Really just a nose wrinkle. “That’s sweet.”
I told her how much I admired her work and she thanked me and left.
After that triumph, we went up the Universal party on the roof, again past shoulder-to-shoulder security. Some lucky officer had elevator duty. I switched to Vodka and tonic and everything morphed into a Bacchanalian Hieronymus Bosch movie. Or maybe we were in Dante’s rings of Hell. We sat on white couches “Reserved for NBC” and looked for meaning in the madding crowd. All we saw were ordinary people who, because of circumstances, were regarded as gods. There were live sushi chefs, but we were long past it.
And who was the last person we encountered on our way out of the Universal party? FBI ADIC Steven Martinez , keeping eyes and ears on the upper reaches. There had been long stretches that evening of searching for people we knew – calling and texting, and never connecting. What were the chances of running into him again? Now Mr. Martinez wished us a good night, doing his job, calmly and steadfastly, and I thought, There is hope.
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